Dr. Mike Gosling

Know Your Emotional Style

February 12, 2013 By Dr. Mike Gosling

There are two emotional styles – avoidant and reactive. Regardless of your gender, you are more likely to display more of one style than the other.

Mike and Karen Gosling are married. They are both highly educated and intelligent. Mike has studied for a Masters in Business Administration and a PhD in emotional intelligence. Karen holds a Bachelor of Arts in Social Work and a Masters in Public Health. Both Mike and Karen have been successful in their careers, raised a family, travelled widely, and have offered advice and support to thousands of people from all walks of life to improve human wellness. They are stable and influential, in a relationship lasting more than 30 years. They have collaborated to provide clients the benefit of their combined knowledge and experience in life.

But Mike and Karen each have a different emotional style. They respond differently to the same event and experience emotion in totally different ways. And because they are both fully aware of their emotional style and the impact it has physiologically on their bodies and on others, they experience and manage their worlds very differently.

Awareness of your emotional style offers you the opportunity to change your mind and change your life, elevating emotional well-being.

Karen said…

Once I learned how my adrenalin floods affected everything I did, life became much more enjoyable and easier.

I have always gone along with what other people wanted, deferred to their wishes and opinions, in order to manage my adrenalin levels. My happiness came from harmony in my environment, as conflict or even potential conflict, resulted in adrenalin floods. If I perceived that a person may judge me, disapprove of me, be disappointed or feel let down by me, I would feel so dreadful that I would go out of my way to ensure that this did not happen. Once I’ve had an adrenalin flood I need to process it out of my body and “return to normal”. After conflict it takes me a long while to “warm up” again – hence Mike’s suggestion of the egg-timer!

I experience my negative emotion intensely (the burden of the highly sensitive person) and avoid any situation that may potentially cause an escalation of that feeling – the avoidant emotional style. I was an obedient teenager (lest my parents be cross with me), a diligent student (lest my teacher think badly of me), helpful to all (lest people dislike me because I was selfish) and a wife that withdrew and internalised in order to avoid conflict.

I am learning that my avoidant behaviour – the flight response – impacts on Mike who feels punished and excluded. Mike says, “Because you have an avoidant emotional style doesn’t mean that you have a monopoly on negative emotion”. This is something I need to be constantly aware of and recognise when considering the impact of my behaviour on others. My appreciation of how I deal with my emotion has improved my over all well-being. I feel energised to share with others how managing my avoidant emotional style releases adrenalin from my body making me emotionally well.

Mike said…

I learned at great personal cost, with the loss of my former wife and twin daughters more than 30 years ago, that loud tones, aggression, irritation, and anger had to go.

I have always been a leader, full of ideas and the energy, persistence, and dedication to carry them out. I used to not take fools lightly and felt quickly frustrated, irritated, and angry when things did not go my way. I could explode like a bomb! As a man, I was used to summing up a situation, weighing alternatives, implementing them, and looking for results, often all done in my head and without too much discussion, not realising fully that my behaviours, including loud tones and quick words, impacted on Karen so adversely. Karen says, “Mike, it doesn’t matter what you say to me, just say it in a normal voice. When someone speaks to me in an irritable tone my perception is that you are cross at me for what I just said and that leaves me feeling unfairly judged”. This is what I need to be aware of constantly, as a person who has a reactive emotional style, when considering the impact of my behaviour on others.

I deal with events as they happen – the reactive emotional style. I still react to things quite quickly – the fight response – but I am learning to put a gap between my thoughts and emotions to allow me time to manage better negative emotion generated by my reactive emotional style. Now I recognise negative emotion in my body on a scale from one to ten, one being low intensity and ten being rage. By the time I feel my negativity rising to level five or six, I can usually put a gap in my response and deal with my dis-ease in an emotionally intelligent way, releasing adrenalin from my body. As I respond to events I recognise that only I can make myself irritated, frustrated, and angry and so I manage my emotional style in a way that elevates my emotional well-being. As a result, I feel much healthier. And Karen is happier for it.

Have you ever heard someone say:

“Oh, she is so sensitive; she always bursts into tears at the drop of a hat.”
“Now come on son, real men don’t cry.”
“Reason is superior to emotion. Emotions are chaotic and immature.”
“Emotions ‘get in the way’ of rational decision-making.”

The contemporary view is that emotions convey information about relationships. Each emotion signals a different relation. And each of us experiences our emotion differently. Thoroughly thinking through and understanding our emotions and the emotions of others is an important source of coping – with ourselves, our workmates, friends, family, and community – and solving behavioural problems.

Life is a series of events. Every event is an opportunity for change. It is from the most painful events that you change the most. Solving these emotional challenges is the key to a life of emotional wealth.
– Dr. Mike Gosling

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Dr. Mike Gosling helps people grow and brings clarity, purpose, happiness and abundance to their lives. He is an expert in teaching people how to apply their emotional intelligence in emotional leadership and everyday living. An author, business owner, ELPro coach and mentor to successful leaders worldwide, Mike is also co-founder of the world’s premier membership site to build better relationships, EmotionMatters.com. To reach a new level of self-understanding and greater effectiveness in your personal and professional life, sign up for the e-Changes! Newsletter

Robin Sharma’s Leadership Lessons

February 12, 2013 By Dr. Mike Gosling

Word-renowned self improvement guru Robin Sharma has made it his mission to teach others how to become great leaders. Having quit his job as a lawyer, Robin followed his heart and self-published his first two books. His second book, The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari, was discovered by HarperCollins, going on to sell millions of copies and hit number one on bestseller lists all over the world. Listen to this video to hear what Robin has to say regarding reaching your own potential and becoming a successful and inspiring leader. After watching the video be sure to share your comments below.

Thought For The Day

February 12, 2013 By Dr. Mike Gosling

“We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make the world.”

– Buddha Dhammapada Sutra (Hindu Prince Gautama Siddharta was the founder of Buddhism, 563-483 B.C.)

“Life is a series of events. Every event is an opportunity for change. And it is from the most painful events that you change the most.”

– Mike Gosling

“Always keep a dream in your pocket. Dream deep dreams and reach for the highest dreams.”

“A man’s reach should ere exceed his grasp, else what’s a heaven for?”

– Robert Browning

“An argument seldom proves anything, except that two people differ.”

“Unresolved anger is often the hidden source of low self-esteem.”

“Resentments don’t punish the other person; they punish us.”

“There is a gap between stimulus and response. The key to both our growth and happiness is how we use that gap.”

– Mike Gosling

“The fruit of love is service, which is compassion in action. Religion has nothing to do with compassion, it is love for God that is the main thing because we have all been created for the sole purpose to love and be loved.”

– Mother Teresa.

“Directly acknowledging feelings such as disappointment or anger, instead of making others guess at our feelings or having our feelings come out in other ways, is part of responsible communication.”

“The secret of a long life is to eat right and love what you do.”

– Dr. Leila Denmark <http://drleiladenmark.com/quotes/>

“Remember, anger is caused by your thoughts, not the actions of others.”

– Karen Gosling

“Like a river, my body changes as the moment changes, and if I could do the same, there would be no gaps in my life, no memory of past trauma to trigger new pain, no anticipation of future hurt to make me contract in fear.”

– Deepak Chopra

“Conquering others requires force. Conquering oneself requires strength.”

– Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

“Only the present moment exists; past and future are mental projections. If you can free yourself of these projections, trying neither to relive the past nor to control the future, a space is opened for a completely new experience – the experience of ageless body and timeless mind.”

– Deepak Chopra

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

– Reinhold Niebuhr

“Whatever is flexible and flowing will tend to grow, whatever is rigid and blocked will wither and die.”

– Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

“Emotional distress is an illness of how you think; how you feel depends on how you think.”

– Mike Gosling

“The true test of intelligence is not how much we know how to do, but how we behave when we don’t know what to do.”

– John Holt

“I wanted to change the world. But I have found that the only thing one can be sure of changing is oneself.”

– Aldous Huxley

“Today, I will not strike out at those who cause me pain. I will feel my emotions and take responsibility for them.”

“Adventure is not outside a man, it is within.”

– David Grayson

“Doing what you don’t like is work. Doing what you like is play. I have never worked a day in my life.”

– Dr. Leila Denmark

“Part of self-acceptance is releasing other people’s opinions about you. Never let someone else’s opinion about you affect your own view of yourself. Be with people who make you feel good and leave the rest in the dust of your victories! ”

– Mike Gosling

“People are more amenable to change at a time of crisis. Watch out for the precipitating event; the “Oh Shit! experience.”

– Mike Gosling

Experience is not what happens to you; it is what you do with what happens to you.

– Aldous Huxley

“Acting “as if” can be helpful when a negative feeling begins to controls us. We make a conscious decision to act as if we are going to be fine.”

“Everybody needs someone to love, something to do, and something to look forward to.”

– Karen Gosling

“Listen with regard when others talk. Give your time and energy to others; let others have their way; do things for reasons other than furthering your own needs.”

– Larry Scherwitz

“Use positive assertion. Ask open questions. NEVER make statements: I think…, I believe….”

– Mike Gosling

“Our potential for helping others is far greater when we detach, work on ourselves, and stop trying to force others to change with us.”

“You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.”

“People are unrealistic, illogical, and self-centered. Love them anyway.”

– Mother Teresa

“If we don’t change our direction we will always end up where we are headed.”

– Old Chinese Proverb

“Anyone can give up, it’s the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that’s true strength.”

– Author Unknown

“Life is not the way it’s supposed to be. It’s the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.”

– Virginia Satir

“To laugh often and much,
to win the respect of intelligent people
and the affection of children,
to earn the appreciation of honest critics
and endure the betrayal of false friends;
to appreciate beauty,
to find the best in others,
to leave the world a bit better,
whether by a healthy child,
a garden patch,
or a redeemed social condition;
to know even one life has breathed easier
because you have lived,
this is to have succeeded.”

– Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Don’t wish for the wind to change, wish for the wisdom to set a better sail.”

– Jim Rohn

“Happiness is when one’s spiritual needs are met by an untroubled inner life. Happiness comes when your work and words are of benefit to yourself and others.”

– Author Unknown

“Mistakes are the portal of discovery.”

– James Joyce

“No milk after the baby is weaned! No juice, no tea or Cokes. Only water. That cow out in the pasture never had a drop of milk after she was weaned, and look how strong and healthy she is.”

– Dr. Leila Denmark

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”

– Mark Twain

“It’s better to be over the hill than under the hill.”

– Dr. Leila Denmark

“Dreams are whispers from your soul.”

– Marcia Wieder

Virgin Coconut Oil

February 11, 2013 By Dr. Mike Gosling

Essential to emotional health is exercise and good nutrition. Since being diagnosed as a Type II Diabetic 0n May 29, 2011 at age 62, I have researched and taken lots of advice on how to reduce my blood sugar levels and improve my physical health. I now add a tablespoon of Banaban virgin coconut oil to my breakfast cereal.

It has become apparent that the growth of Virgin Coconut Oil and other Nature Pacific coconut food products has more than doubled in demand and popularity. It’s so good to see that here in western society we are finally starting to experience the benefits of coconut in our daily diets.

We are often asked, ” Is the popularity of Coconut Oil a fad?” Well the definition of ‘fad’ is something that becomes popular for just a short time. I think what has become apparent to all our customers (and is what our people back in the Islands have known for centuries) is that coconut definitely becomes a part if not a necessity in everyday life. Some of our customers that have had to go overseas to work are even getting us to ship their Virgin Coconut Oil to the far ends of the earth so they do not have to go without.

ORDER YOUR VIRGIN COCONUT OIL TODAY >>

Mike’s Asia Pacific Kitchen – Lamb Vindaloo

February 11, 2013 By Dr. Mike Gosling

Country: Sri Lanka

I believe that eating and sharing food with friends is a very emotional experience. In 1988 Karen was Senior Medical Social Worker, Gold Coast Hospital, Gold Coast, Queensland, Australia. At the time we owned and operated the “Pineridge Hot-Food Takeaways” shop at Coombabah on the Gold Coast, Queensland. We served fish & chips, BBQ chickens, hamburgers, steak sandwiches, and Mike’s famous home-made pies, with recipes learned from James Elliott. Over the three years that we had the shop, I must have cooked over 15,000 pies of six varieties.

Maria had been visiting the Gold Coast from Melbourne looking for property. She had been involved in a car accident and became hospitalized with a badly broken leg that was strung-up in her hospital bed in the orthopedic ward. She was unable to be transferred. Monty to the rescue — with delicacies to keep Maria’s spirits high.

Monty and their 3 children arrived in Southport to support Maria. He and the children stayed at the Red Cross visitors’ quarters at the Gold Coast Hospital.

Maria was from Italy and Monty from Sri Lanka. Imagine the wide food choices in their household. Monty cooked for the family. Towards the end of their long stay on the Gold Coast, and with Maria recovered, Monty presented Karen with this wonderful dish of Sri Lankan Lamb Vindaloo as a thank you for the social work care Karen had given to Maria. It is a very special and delicate dish for me, with lots of emotion attached to it, given the new friendships we made. It’s sure to get the cook many compliments. Thank you Monty!

Ingredients

500 gms tender lean chopped lamb (or beef)

4 teaspoons curry powder

1 teaspoon chilli powder (or to taste)

chilli pieces (if desired)

curry leaves (if available)

2 cinnamon sticks

1/2 cup white vinegar

1/2 – 1 tablespoon tomato paste (to taste)

1 lge brown onion

5 pieces of garlic

2.5 cm piece of fresh ginger<

1 teaspoon salt

1 tablespoon vegetable oil (or ghee)

2 cups water

Curry Powder

This dish is best cooked with Ceylon Marketing Department curry powder. This is a dark, almost black, curry powder and is difficult to find in most places. Other meat curry powders can be used.

Method

Cut the lamb into chunky pieces. Place in a bowl with 1/2 cup vinegar. Put aside to soak for up to an hour (I like to leave my lamb soak overnight).

Chop together the fresh garlic and ginger. Peel and slice the onion. Fry the garlic and ginger in 1 tablespoon of vegetable oil (I use ghee for the added flavour) until the garlic starts to turn brown. Add the chopped onion and fry until golden brown.

Next add your meat with vinegar and fry at moderate heat until the vinegar is virtually gone (about 20-30 minutes).

Add the tomato paste and stir. Add the chilli powder, chilli pieces, curry leaves, cinnamon sticks, and 1 cup of water. Let the meat and ingredients cook for 15 minutes. Add the salt and curry powder. Stir and add up to 1 cup of additional water. Turn the cooker to low heat and cook until ready (about an additional 15 minutes).

Serve with rice, pappadums, and shredded cucumber and yoghurt salad.

Mike’s Tip

Vindaloo is a sour Indian dish flavored with vinegar and hot indigenous spices. Lamb is a tender meat and needs to be cooked slowly. I like to add fresh mint leaves to Monty’s Sri Lankan Lamb Vindaloo straight after cooking.

As always, you are welcome to leave your comments below.